Anyone can end up a victim, injured by the actions of others. But whether the damage is inflicted by a cunning ex-wife, or a blow delivered by the object of our affection, the time comes when we must pick ourselves up and continue on our journey. And if we can’t, then all we can pray for is rescue.

Say goodnight and go.

Skipping beats,
Blushing cheeks.
I am… struggling..
Daydreaming,
Bed scenes in… the corner cafe
And then I’m left in bits recovering tectonic… tremblings
You get me every time.

Why’d ya have to be so cute?
It’s impossible to ignore you..
Must you make me laugh so much?
It’s bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Follow you home,
You’ve got your headphones on
And you’re dancing
Got lucky;
Beautiful shot:
You’re taking everything off
Watch the curtains wide open
And you’re following the same routine;
Flicking through the TV, relaxed and reclining
And you think you’re alone..

Oh, why’d ya have to be so cute?
It’s impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It’s bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

One of these days,
You’ll miss your train,
And come stay with me…
{It’s always say goodnight and go}
We’ll have drinks,
And talk about things and,
Any excuse to stay awake with you…
You’d sleep here,
I’d sleep there,
But then the heating may be down again,
At my convenience…
We’d be good,
We’d be great together…

Go (sigh)
{Instrumental pause}

Why’d ya have to be so cute?
It’s impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It’s bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Why’s it always always:
goodnight and go?
Oh, Darling not again,
Goodnight and… go…

It is a happy song which makes me smile and a sad song which makes me cry…

[00:48:58] me says: znae6 li
[00:49:03] me says: na men mi lipsva ne6to drugo
[00:49:06] me says: az sym functional
[00:49:32] me says: v smisyl moga da si jiveq normalno
[00:50:01] me says: oba4e ponqkoga stavam prekaleno prekaleno tyjen
[00:50:05] me says: i samoten
[00:50:08] me says: mnogo samoten
[00:51:19] G says: oh, znam, dushko, to ti go pishe na liceto ponjakoga, tochno kakto na men

We all carry something with us. Of course, it’s nice if we travel with someone who can help lighten the load. But usually it’s easier to just drop what we’ve been carrying so we can get home that much sooner. Assuming, of course, there would be someone there to greet us when we arrive. Why do we clutch at this baggage even when we are desperate to move on? Because we know there is always a chance we might let go too soon.

Lately, I fear a lot. Right now, a person reminded me that sometimes we are never completely understood. I am afraid that I might lose my closest bestest friends. I often feel distant, disconnected. For example, E. and I, we have drifted apart. Maybe it’s not so tangible, but I can certainly feel it. He is different now. They all are different.

I sometimes think I have not changed. I feel I am still the same, only enchained in a cold prison, unable to connect. It is all because of my depression. I realize it now. It all began in the early Spring. Later when I talked to a doctor, she explained that depressions often manifest in the transition seasons, as she called them. Those are lovely Spring and the fleeing Fall, understandably so.

Once I came back to my home country and entered into a darker period of excruciating emotions, I was convinced I was truly, clinically depressed. After some time filled with sadness, unhappy emotions, and often crying, I went to see a doctor. The session was amazing. It was as if she knew exactly what I was talking about. She said it was a light depression and asked me if I wanted to begin medical treatment or not. At this moment, my condition was really really bad, with all these feeling tormenting me inside and therefore I started taking pills - something I am not ashamed of. And the situation brightened. I could feel the sun once more. I didn’t feel great all of a sudden, and the process took some time. Nonetheless, I could sense and hope that I could be happy again. The treatment seemed successful and I haven’t felt so good in months, perhaps almost an year. Until last Monday. Then I was really down, moody, and hopeless.

In truth it was not as bad as before I began taking the little red pills (they really are red), but still I was so scared, as I am now, that my depression will return and. Fear is something terrible to live with. It not only prevents you from doing the things you want, but also deprives you of the opportunity to live a full life. I want to believe that this darkened period is happening, because I am falling ill, and because I have so much free time on my hands that I don’t know what to do with it.

Last year, we had a project in my First Year Seminar, where we had to make a PostSecret card. Then everyone put their card in a box and they were all read, but no one knew who each card belonged to. I made a really sad card:

I still feel connected to it somehow. I still think this is one of the many fears that fester in my heart.
This story has perhaps no point, but I tried to lash out all the thoughts in my head. Anyway, I know, I do not want to be alone and I want to be happy. After all, isn’t it happiness we are all searching for.

Last, what unnerves me is that I had no desire to write when I felt better and I do now. Why is this happening?

Just another one champion sound
Me and Estelle about to get down
Who the hottest in the world right now.
Just touched down in London town.
Bet they give me a pound.
Tell them put the money in my hand right now.
Tell the promoter we need more seats,
We just sold out all the floor seats

Estelle:
Chorus
Take me on a trip, I’d like to go some day.
Take me to New York, I’d love to see LA.
I really want to come kick it with you.
You’ll be my American Boy.

He said Hey Sister.
It’s really really nice to meet ya.
I just met this 5 foot 7 guys who’s just my type.
I like the way he’s speaking his confidence is peaking.
Don’t like his baggy jeans but Ima like what’s underneath them.
And no I aint been to MIA
I heard that Cali never rains and New York heart awaits. First let’s see the west end.
I’ll show you to my bedroom.
I’m liking this American Boy. American Boy

Chorus
Take me on a trip, I’d like to go some day
Take me to New York, I’d love to see LA.
I really want to come kick it with you.
You’ll be my American Boy, American Boy.

Can we get away this weekend.
Take me to Broadway.
Let’s go shopping baby then we’ll go to a Café.
Let’s go on the subway.
Take me to your hood.
I neva been to Brooklyn and I’d like to see what’s good.
Dressed in all your fancy clothes.
Sneaker’s looking Fresh to Death I’m lovin those Shell Toes.
Walkin that walk.
Talk that slick talk.
I’m likin this American Boy. American Boy.
[ American Boy lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

Chorus
Take me on a trip, I’d like to go some day.
Take me to New York, I’d love to see LA.
I really want to come kick it with you.
You’ll be my American Boy

Kanye West:
Who killin em in the UK.
Everybody gonna say you K,
Reluctantly, because most of this press don’t f**k wit me.
Estelle once said to me, cool down down
Don’t act a fool now now.
I always act a fool oww oww.
Aint nothing new now now.
He crazy, I know what ya thinkin.
Ribena I know what you’re drinkin.
Rap singer. Chain Blinger. Holla at the next chick soon as you’re blinkin.
What’s you’re persona.
About this Americana?
Am I shallow cuz all my clothes designer.
Dressed smart like a London Bloke.
Before he speak his suit bespoke.
And you thought he was cute before.
Look at this P Coat, Tell me he’s broke.
And I know you’re not into all that. I heard your lyrics I feel your spirit.
But I still talk that CAAASH.
Cuz a lot WAGs want to hear it.
And I’m feelin like Mike at his Baddest.
The Pimps at their Gladist.
And I know they love it.
So to hell with all that rubbish

Estelle:
Would you be my love, my love.
Could be mine would you be my love my love, could be mine
Could you be my love, my love.
Would you be my American Boy. American Boy

Chorus
Take me on a trip, I’d like to go some day
Take me to Chicago, San Francisco Bay.
I really want to come kick it with you.
You’ll be my American Boy, American Boy.

Sometimes I think I’m waiting for my American Boy

So, ok, I’ve been depressed for a while… A long while… This blog should have been promptly updated or at least that was the idea when it was began some time ago. To recap the situation, my life is perfect. Or at best it seems so from the point of the observer. As for me, the observed, my life is anything but perfect. It is wrong in so many ways. Actually, in truth, it is mostly me that is wrong in infinately many ways. I don’t want this post to be confusing, but I am merely writing down thoughts as they come and therefore you will need to excuse me That is what I recently figured out. I was thinking that due to the fact that I have been so messed up lately, I lay the blame on everybody else.

The story goes like this… I feel alone. Granted I am in the process of making an important transition in my life - I moved on not only to college (higher education) but also to an entirely different country, to an entirely different continent. Moreover even though my first year of college is already behind me, I feel as if I haven’t adjusted to my new life yet. So with me being completely independent and doing everything myself, away from loved onces and close friends, I have began to experience loneliness. Surely, I have found new friends and so many people totally adore me, how could I feel so alone? I guess, this was the sensation that helped my inner demons gain strength and put me in this situation, where I simply feel bad. And sometimes I even feel worse

Those last few months have been really stressful. I feel confused. I feel I do not know who I am and what I want anymore. I would venture to guess that I need a relationship, a significant other to be with. I don’t want to acknowledge this fact, because I am shy, nervous, uncertain, and inexperienced in those matters. The truth is, I simply do not know what to do Funny, eh? The other problem is that I don’t know what I am into and I really don’t know how to find out for certain.

Just tonight it dawned on me! I am so disturbed of late, that I thought my friends have abandoned me, that they do not love me anymore, that I do not mean anything to them. But that is a lie, a misconception, an idiotism… My closest friends are certainly there when I call them. They are happy when they see me. They are there and that’s most important…

Another thing that I think will do me good is variety. I just need a change, need to do something different, to meet new people. Nonetheless, I don’t know what I want in that regard. But I guess I will meet that hot boy, go to this gay club with him and just see what happens. Which will be hard considering my work shifts until the end of this month

Anyway, I’ve been feeling better these days. Furthermore, I intend to grab a hold of myself, to live and relax After all, I can be feeling good once in a while, even here, even alone That’s what I am going to do

Talking,

In so many words

Words so intimate

Words not understood.

Looking,

Desperately for help

Help offered

Help misunderstood.

Feeling,

In great detail

Only darkness

Nothing fun.

Seeing,

Everything in black and white

Black is what is owned

White is what cannot be obtained.

Smiling,

All the time

To keep the pain away

Pain no one needs to see.

Неделя е. Следобяд.

Телефонът не звъни. Skype-ът не пищи. Никой не чука на вратата. Чувствам се сам. Нямам какво да правя и това наистина ме убива. Малко по-малко, ден след ден… Имам чувството, че съм забравен от всички, от всичко.

Вечерите е най-гадно. Тогава наистина усещаш самотата. Онзи ден беше много изразено. Стана тъмно, родителите си легнаха, брат ми беше nowhere to be found. Бях изгасил лампите. Единствената светлина идваше от екарана на лаптопа, към който почти не обръщах глава. Никой не ми писа. Гледах навън. Гърдите ми се стегнаха. Дойдоха лошите мисли, слабостта, параноята. Психирах се. Сега разбрах В. като ми казваше, че просто не иска да е сам в тези моменти… Но той си има О.

Беше ме страх да остана сам, но осъзнах, че нямаше на кого да се обадя…

Да, краят на почивните дни се вижда вече… Остава само час, преди тази седмица да свърши и новата да започне. Този weekend измина странно бързо и естествено почти нищо съществено не беше свършено, освен полуприлично спане и подобаващ купон в събота вечер.

А как мина седмицата ми? Еми тя беше дълга, натоварена и тежка. Въпреки това, от самото и начало аз не можах да предвидя колко много неща ще е необходимо да свърша… Седмицата ми беше маркирана от недоспиване, постоянна умора, депресивни състояния, изпити и домашни, работа и липса на желание за каквото и да е. Много съобщения си изписах в Skype. Много съобщения да нараняват, много съобщения да приканват, много съобщения да провокират. И те също не бяха подминати и много хора се изразиха за тях. И то хора, на които нито имам желението да споделям, нито ги интересува. Заинтересуваността на някои хора ме изуми. Имах и един много дълъг разговор с майка ми, в който и разказах за всички неща, които си мисля. Тя не ми помогна много, но поне ме поизслуша… Вчерашният купон не беше нещо интересно за мен може би защото не пих достатъчно, а всички бяха много пияни. За да си направя кефа танцувах. Танцувах толкова много, толкова продължително, толкова бурно. Танцувал съм без да спра може би 2 часа. Танцувах малко настрани от всички. Сам. Виждах се. Забелязах как много хора ме обсъждат и се ядосах. Реших, че ще ми платят наглостта. Написах в Skype:

Saturday Night - Party Night - You thought I didn’t see you… You thought I didn’t realize… You thought I was a fool… You will pay dearly… If it is war you want… Then so be it!!! Bring it on…

Много се бях настървил снощи да направя постъпи към отмъщение, защото мога. Не бях пиян, макар може би всички да са мислели така. Просто се насилих да избухна, да реласкирам, да се откъсна за момент от вечните проблеми. И донякъде успях! Днес си нося последствията, които са болките в цялото тяло Пък може и да направя някоя и друга интрига, но едва ли… Просто не съм такъв…

Та, днес е неделя. Поредната. Аз се опитах да уча. Резултатът е среден. Пред мен стои една тежка седмица. Осъзнавам го, но се опитвам да гледам положително. Извинявам се, че не съм писал нищо кой знае колко интересно в блога си напоследък. Ще се поправя!

Желая на всички една динамична, стремителна и незабравима седмица… И най-вече на себе си!